Friends

I have had many acquaintances.  As the spouse of an ambitious upper-level university administrator, moving geographically to attain the next level position and providing care for my family while trying to pursue my own professional career required most of my energy and time.  As we age, we typically increase our responsibilities and may feel a need to temporarily set friendships aside (e.g., until after a crunch at work is resolved, or the children are older).  My spouse also begrudged me any time spent with others when he was not working, so deep friendships have been few.  Therefore, when he died three years ago, I found myself with only a small handful of friends that had survived my neglect of them.

These are my winter friends.  Winter friends are there for you when, as one of my winter friend’s daughter says “when you need to bury the body.”  They love and care for you in the good times and the bad, but they also tend to be the friends we mostly easily deprioritize because we know they will always be there.  This is where I was.  I had a few winter friends; most were spread across the country although one or two were closer. 

Some friendships are truly special.  Hillary Rodham Clinton introduced me to the idea of “sister friends” in her memoir Something Lost, Something Gained: Reflections on Life, Love and Liberty. Although the term implies gender, this type of friend is not gender specific.  A “sister friend” is someone who can be depended upon to support you as a sibling would, who doesn’t have to be asked for help because they will offer it, and who will likely anticipate your needs before you realize that you have them. 

I began to look at friendship more closely and to consider that without a partner and with grown children living their own lives at a significant distance from me, I needed friends more than ever for emotional and social support.  I needed to be sure my winter friends did not finally drift away from my neglect and that nurturing old and newer friendships would take intentional action and a commitment of time. 

This is where a conflict often arises for me.  Where does that time come from?  Do I take it from the time I could be spending with my mother? My children? Or from my professional pursuits? Or from my training (running)?  Is it important enough to say no to something so I can say yes to strengthening a friendship?  The short answer is yes. 

However, when you do make time for a friend, ask yourself this question after spending time together: Am I uplifted, motivated, energized, and more at peace, or am I stressed, resentful, or just a bit sad?  The friendships that leave you feeling like your best self, are the ones I will continue to devote energy and time to.  Whether someone is a winter friend, a sister friend, or in your circle of intimacy, I know that every time I choose to spend time with them it is the right choice.